ADURA FUN EGUNGUN
Prayer for the Ancestor
Ile mo pe o
Akisale mo pe o
Eti were bu tu ekute ile o
Asunmaparada ni tigi aja
Awa ome re ni pe o; a aw lati se odun re
Ma ke ki ari ija igbona
Ma je ki ari ija Ogun
Lile ni ki a maa le si, a je ki a pedin
Ara orun kinkin
Orisa oun ao re meji
Orisa ti a nji ti anfi obi kan
Gbogbo, Egun mi dele o Ase!
Earth I call you
Egungun I call you
Etibure, I call you
House rats are very alert
Rafters never change their position
We, your children, gather here for your annual ceremony
Allow us to live, so that we may perform your ceremony yearly
Save us from death
Save us from pestilence
Save us from the wrath of Ogun
Let us multiply and increase
The sacred one from heaven
IN HONORING THE LUSCIOUS MAN ONE OF OUR LUSCIOUS ANCESTORS
One Aim One Goal One Destiny
Today, August 17th, we stand on the united front in celebration of this LUSCIOUS MAN and one of our LUSCIOUS ANCESTERS. THE HONORABLE MARCUS MOSAIA GARVEY, JUNIOR, ibaye, baye, tonu. Let us not forget we are standing on the shoulders of our individual ancestors. Let us not forget, it is they who carried us to this day. It is through our daily Ancestor Reverence prayers and respect is what gives our Ancestors the power and light to protect each of us for generations to come.
Today we are honoring and paying Special Reverence for the legacy of MARCUS GARVEY.
MARCUS MOSIAH GARVEY, JR.
BORN: August 17th, 1887
BIRTH PLACE: St Ann’s Bay, Jamaica
OCCUPATION: Civil Rights Activist
SUN SET: June 10, 1940
PLACE OF DEATH: Landon, England
Marcus Garvey was best known and proponent of the BLACK NATIONALISM and PAN AFRICANISM movements, inspiring the NATION OF ISLAM and the ASTAFARIAN MOVEMENT.
Marcus Mosiah Garvey, Jr. born in Jamaica was an orator for the BLACK NATIONALISM and PAN-AFRICANISM movements to which he founded the UNIVERSAL NEGRO IMPROVEMENT ASSOCIATION (UNIA) and AFRICAN COMMUNITIES LEAGUE. The HONORABLE MARCUS GARVEY, advanced a Pan-African philosophy which inspired a global mass movement, known as GARVEYISM.
GARVEYISM, would eventually inspire others from the Nation of Islam to Rastafarian Movements. In Marcus Garvey’s early life he was noted for being a Social Activist and a self educated Garvey founded the Universal Negro Improvement Association, dedicated to promoting African Americans and re-settlement in Africa.
In the UNITED STATES, he launched several businesses to promote a separate BLACK NATION. He was convicted of mail fraud and deported back to Jamaica, where he continued his work for BLACK REPATRIATION to AFRICA.
Marcus Mosiah Garvey, Jr, iba, was the last of eleven children born to Marcus Garvey, Sr, iba and Sarah Jane Mason, iba his mother a domestic worker and farmer. Marcus Garvey, Sr, iba was a great influence on Marcus Garvey, Jr, iba who described him as SEVERE, FIRM, DETERMINED, BOLD and STRONG also refusing to yield even to superior forces if he believed he was right. His father was known to have a large library where the young GARVEY learned to read.
At his age 14, MARCUS GARVEY, Jr. became a printers apprentice. In 1903, at the age of 16, he traveled to KINGSTON, JAMAICA and soon became involved in union activities. In 1907 at the age of 20 he took part in an unsuccessful printers strike, kindled in him a passion for political activism. Three years later, he traveled through out CENTRAL AMERICA working as a NEWS PAPER EDITOR, and writing about the exploitation of migrant workers in the plantations. He later traveled to London, where he attended BIRKBECK COLLEGE, (University of London) and also worked for the AFRICAN TIMES and ORIENT REVIEW which advocated PAN-AFRICAN NATIONALISM.
OTHER COMMUNITY ANCESTORS TO CONSIDER:
Marcus Garvey, Jr.
Marcus Garvey, Sr. (father)
Sara Jane Richards (mother)
Booker T. Washington
Malcolm X (Malcolm Little)
El Haji Malik El Shabazz
Betty Shabazz (wife)
W.E.B Du Bois (William Edward Burghard Du Bois)
Rosa Parks (Rosa Louise Mc Cauley-Parks)
Raymond Parks (spouse)
Leona Mc Cauley (mother)
James Mc Cauley (mother)
George Washington Carver
Giles Carver (father)
Mary Carver (mother)
Langston Hughes (James Mercer Langston-Hughes)
Langston James Nathaniel Hughes (father)
Caroline Mercer (mother)
Ida B Wells ( Ida Bell Wells – Barnett)
Ferdinand L Barnett (spouse)
James Madison Wells (father)
Elizabeth Izzy Bell- Warrenton (mother)
Harriett Bailey (mother)
Kitty Bailey (sibling)
Eliza Bailey (sibling)
Perry Bailey (sibling)
Sara Bailey (sibling)
Helen Pitts- Douglas (spouse)
Anna Murray- Douglas (spouse 1952)
Henry Douglas (son)
Charles Remond Douglas (son)
Annie Douglas (daughter)
Just to name a few.
WHEN CHOOSING YOUR PERSONAL ANCESTORS TO CALL UPON:
When giving homage your personal Ancestors, it is highly recommended and very important to have an understanding of the legacies they left behind for us. These legacies are what enables their lives to live on forever. Character will follow you through out the generations. IFA teaches us to walk with IWA-PELE good character. This is how you are remembered. This so always do good, speak the truth and do the right thing.
In your family lines, and choosing the Ancestors to call upon always mention their attributes and there legacy left behind. When you need some assistance call upon the family member who had a passion for what you experiencing for better results.
Look at the blog on Ancestor Prayers
It is true our Ancestors come and visit us in our dream state. They communicate to us directly, by being the first warning voice. You remember having the feeling, I should have followed my first mind! All those times it was our guardian spirits, or Ancestors forewarning us of dangers that lay ahead. Our Ancestors work tireless getting messages to us through our friends, through an over heard conversation strangers are having, even through the media messages and through our friends and family. If we are attuned we will get it and take heed.
Through slavery and abandonment of our cultural ties, and traditional values we lay clueless to the enormous blessings we are falling short of. African Peoples are the richest people on the planet. We possessed all the richest and life’s finest. We can follow the lineage and see the results of todays realities. We can pass the blames like a flamed ball but we still need to take the responsibility for the karmic retributions that befall us even until this day of 2013. The Ancestors are sick of it. We listen to anyone and adopt any culture, except our own. Where did all this hatred of self come from? Why do we allow it to continue to live and breathe today? If we continuously live in the past trying to fathom what went wrong we miss the present todays message and we are not planning our future legacies.
Our ANCESTORS are trying to meet you in the minds but your ORI (Head) is bolted shut. In some instances we are walking around like chickens with their heard cut off, and we all know what a sight that is. We have been cut off from our GOD, our AFRICAN GOD, OLODUMARE, OUR SUPREME HEAD WHO MANIFEST THE FULLNESS OF ALL THINGS, SPIRITUAL, MATERIAL, AND PHYSICAL AND REMAINS IN FULL CHARGE UNCHANGING AND PERMANENT. HE DWELLS IN THE OBODE OF ORUN, THE HEAVENLY SPERE , HE IS THE OWNER OF HEAVEN, OLORUN, HE IS THE OWNER OF THE PALACE, OLOFIN, HE IS THE OWNER OF THIS DAY, OLOJO ONI, HE IS THE OWNER OF OUR SPIRIT, ELEDA, AND HE IS THE OWNER OF OUR CROWN, ORI (HEAD-CHAKRA) HE IS THE OBA ORUN, THE KING OF HEAVEN AND HE IS ALEWILESA, THE ONE WHO SPEAKS AND BRINGS WORDS TO FULFILLMENT, AND LASTLY HE IS THE KING WHO JUDGES OUR ACTIONS. HAVE MERCY ON US, OLODUMARE. ASE!
We have been completely cut off from the source. How to realign and get on point? Tis is the intention of this blog. It is through our connection with ELEDA, the SPIRIT our ANCESTORS who did not make it to heaven because they did not fulfill their destiny while here on earth. Were led astray and got totally distracted and you get the point. When we re-orientate ourselves with our own culture and embrace it we begin to allow our selves to be led out of darkness. A very humble start is with the ANCESTER TABLE. You can start with a small one which designates a place for communion purposes with the spirit of your ancestors this is where it humbly begins. You can start with a White Cloth on a designated table, a Voss with White Carnations, or Assorted Colored Flowers, a Glass of FRESH Water and a plate of Soul FOOD, or their FAVORED FOOD DISHES, and a shot glass of RUM, BRANDY or WHISKEY and a CIGAR, or SNUFF and WHITE CANDLE. THIS TABLE IS DEDICATED TO YOUR PERSONAL ANCESTORS ONLY! This is the starting place and a place where you can begin to communicate and pray and acknowledge them. This ANCESTOR TABLE must be consecrated by a ORISA PRIEST such as my self. This consecration ceremony will bring your table to an alive state where the spirit of your ancestors and yourself will have open ability to communicate. Because this is family they are committed to your continued well beings. They are in spirit and dwell in the spirit realm which covers all space and time. They have one limitation they need the connection through you and your priest prepare concreted table. Please contact me by email if you are interested in your area to have this ceremony done. I will come if there are at lease 5, 7 or 9 participants <a href="mailto:email@example.com but not more than 11.
ONE OF MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES WITH MY EGUN SPIRITS
My mother Charlene, live a rather difficult life and finances were always lacking and had to spread to 4 children, a French poodle and a husband whom was in and out of our lives by her choices. My mother was an alcoholic and made unfavorable choices while under the influences. I was the one who always came to her rescues, putting boyfriends out, fighting battles, throwing out drunks, and challenging and up in their faces, WHAT! OUT! NOW! you know I exhausted myself. So when she crossed over I felt a sai of relief. Don’t get me wrong I loved her, but I was a victim of many of her misjudgments’. Well I made a point not to call on her energy at the Ancestor Shrine / Egun Shrine, until one day. Miss Charlene E. Cooper bombarded me with countless visits, dreams, people on earth, meeting Charlene’s here on earth, and you know Charlene is a rare name, pictures falling off the wall, her books flying off the counter running into her friends in my dreams constantly. OK! Miss Cooper I give, WHAT? I didn’t even want to communicate with her, not really too much pain. So I went to my favorite OLUWO Fasina Falade, and he DAFAED for me, DAFA is a spiritual consult with IFA, which is the highest ranking. IFA said “Iya your mother is trying to elevate her spiritual body, she is simply trying to make good some wrongs and she needs your assistance to help her do this, now you don’t want to block her elevation do you?” “No Baba” me answering. Baba continued “She is very concerned about your eldest daughter and her well-being” I answered “OKAY” I went home and begin communicating with my Ancestors MY MOTHER and send her to look after my astringed daughter at that time I didn’t know where she was, but my EGUN Mother did, and she immediately brought he out of harm and into safety and when the time was right she was reborn through my daughter as her eldest son, ASKARI.
We went back to my Oluwo and we had an ESE TAYE RITUAL CEREMONY (THE FIRST TREATING OF THE WORLD) done, for boys it is done on the 9th day and girls it is the 7th day, so it was revealed who was the EGUN returning. MY daughters eyes filled with tears, and I turned to her and said WoW! What a wonderful blessing to you! and my eye filled with tears of joy and compassion, Olowo could not figure our tears, so I shared with him, “My mother passed away, and My daughter always felt it was her fault, because had she not come by her house that evening she may have not fallen and broken her leg again. It was an accident and it was not her fault, but she blamed herself and punished herself through drug abuses” Sweetheart ” You have given life to a soul you felt you had taken life away” you can stop your suffering now. And my daughter and I hugged like Mother and Daughter first time in a long time, ASKARI graduated high school now 2013. Our ANCESTORS, through our consecrated praise and shrine complete their destiny, elevate and either sit at the foot of OLODUMARE and HIS COUNSEL of ELDERS or they make the choice and rebirth through our family lines.
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We often find ourselves victims of karmic retributions sometime are from our Ancestral lines, which lead to family generational curses. These curses are the effects of the causes made in the past by our family members, good or bad we bare the burden. We also bare the effects in this life time of the causes we made in the distant past. We inherit and fall victim to the consequences of our own doings and that of our karmic family members. This is what happens when an individual makes his/her transition and goes to the kingdom abode of the most high to be judged. According to IFA teachings, we ask to come into this world and to accomplish a certain destiny, we are to live a life in good standing and good character and to make a positive legacy, when we fail or do not accomplish our task, if we fall of our path, if we live in bad character, or we do bad things, or terrible things, I think you get the picture here.
This is how you make good and liberate your self from the shackles of your past wrong doings and the inherited past from your ancestors. “The roads are many, but the truth is one” Saint Keshavadash “GURIGI” You may use many vehicles but this will be the prayer method:
PRAYER ONE : LIBERATION PRAYER
For any one whom I have knowingly or unknowingly hurt in my life time
I sincerely pray for all the individuals whom I have knowingly or unknowingly hurt in my lifetime
I ask that the content and energy of this prayer will be used to comfort, educate and liberate anyone whom I am guilty of hurting.
I ask that this energy will heal them of any resentment and pain that they bear because of me, I am sincerely sorry.
I realize that it is only when I have made amends to all those whom I have hurt, that I can be truly forgiven of my wrongs and released from accusation on earth and in the spirit world.
I FURTHER REALIZE THAT MY GENUINE REPENTANCE AND FOREGIVENESSI ARE MANIFESTED ONLY:
By apologizing for my past wrong doings
- By not repeating the same wrongs and by endeavoring to do only good in my thought, words and actions.
- Lead me to overcome all that is not in accordance with your will Heavenly Father.
PRAYER TWO: PRAYER FOR FORGIVENESS AND LIBERATION
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS KNOWINGLY OR UNKNOWINGLY HURT ME
I sincerely and unconditionally forgive all those who have hurt me during their life time on earth or in the spirit world.
I willingly surrender my negative thoughts and feelings towards them so that I may be free and be able to grow in forgiveness and love.
Only by releasing and lettings go all my resentments and by forgiving and loving unconditionally will I be able to complete my own spiritual growth toward God.
I pray that those people who have hurt me, will be liberated through my forgiving them, too, may be free to grow and fulfill their purpose and destiny.
PRAYER THRE: PRAYER FOR LIBERATION
FOR ANYONE ON EARTH OR IN THE SPIRIT WORLD WHOM MY ANCESTORS HAVE KNOWINGLY OR UNKNOWINGLY HURT
Because my Ancestors do not have the energy or ability to make changes, they relay on us, in the spirit world to grow easily by directly making amends for their wrongs. I, being still on earth and having the necessary energy, must take responsibility to help liberate them of accusation from sin so they can be free to grow higher and become one with our Heavenly Father.
I realize that I am a descendant of my Ancestry and that I- through spiritual inheritance – bear a portion of responsibility for my Ancestors sins and wrong doings.
Unless they are liberated, I and my family cannot be free from accusations, and thus temptation and invasion from the negative spirit world, nor be free to totally become one with our Heavenly Father.
I realize that I am taking responsibility for my Ancestors’ sins by praying for any and all people who are on earth or in the spirit world whom my Ancestors are guilty of hurting.
I sincerely pray for all the people whom my Ancestors in the spirit world knowingly or unknowingly hurt during their earthly life time.
I ask that the content and energy of my prayers – on behalf of my Ancestors – go to these people to com fort, educate, and liberate them. I ask that this prayer will have them of any negative thoughts or feelings that they bear because of my Ancestors. I am sincerely sorry and apologize on behalf of my Ancestors.
PRAYER FOUR: PRAYER OF LIBERATION
FOR MY ANCESTORS IN THE SPIRIT WORLD FOR WHOM I AM PROVIDENTIALLY RESPONSIBLE
I sincerely pray for all my Ancestors for whom I am providentially responsible.
I ask that the content and energy of this prayer be used to educate and liberate my Ancestors who are guilty of doing wrongs against your will, Heavenly Father.
I ask that through this prayer my Ancestors may be forgiven of the Sins they committed while on earth as I vicariously repent for them.
I am deeply sorry for their actions not accordance with your Divine Will, Heavenly Father and I apologize for them on their behalf, please forgive them.
I ALSO LOVINGLY ADMONISH MY ANCESTORS TO:
Give up all negative thoughts and feelings by forgiving everyone who hurt you while you were on earth.
- Only by forgiving and thus giving up your negative state of mind will you be able to grow in the Spirit World.
- Hear this prayer and gain understanding
- Apply what I am telling you and you will find yourself gradually ascending into a higher level of existence in the Spirit World.
- Serve your descendants and proper others on earth an in the Spirit World with a loving and grateful hurt, and you will most easily and quickly over come your negative, self-inhibiting thoughts and feelings.
EACH OF THESE PRAYERS ARE ACCORDINGS TO YOUR PREFERENCE.
cc philip k. burly (1994)
See the blog on Ancestor Reverence
FOR THE MOTHERS OF SEXUALLY ABUSED CHILDREN (MOSAC)
Understanding The Victims Feelings Toward Their Mother
Sometimes the MOST INTENSE ANGER that child victims express is towards their MOTHERS. Victims of Sexual Abuse believe that MOTHERS should have protected them, and many victims believe that MOTHERS knew and did not stop the Sexual Abuse from occurring. Not only children, but often professionals, view MOTHERS as having the ability to know that abuse was occurring.
Historically, child abuse literature focused on the MOTHERS collusion with the offender if he was the father figure. MOTHER-BLAMING ATTITUDES have continued, although research has demonstrated that most MOTHERS DID NOT KNOW about the abuse prior to the disclosure, and most MOTHERS respond in a PROTECTIVE MANNER when they find out about the abuse.
Few warning signs may be provided by the victim, and these signs are easily misinterpreted. JENSEN (2005) discloses signs of child sexual abuse and why it is difficult to detect sexual abuse. Signs such as words and symptoms are interpreted according to context and SOCIAL INTERACTION PATTERNS. MOTHERS interpret signs according to prior situations and preexisting meanings. A child may believe she is giving a clue. She may watch to see her mothers reaction. However, the Mother interprets the SIGN through a lens of EXITING POSSIBILITIES, and unless sexual abuse has already been disclosed, that possibility is NOT one that would normally present itself to the MOTHERS MIND.
The child makes the assumption that MOTHER KNOWS, MOTHER does not STOP the abuse, and MOTHER does not PROTECT. If the abuse continues for years, the relationship between MOTHER and CHILD is RUPTURED, perhaps IRREPARABLE.
AVERY, MASSATT, and LUNDY (1998) found that SUVIVORS HARBORED significant BITTERNESS TOWARDS MOTHERS, more SEVERE than that felt towards PERPETRATORS. MOTHERS need to understand that children often feel this way.
ABUSERS are MANIPULATIVE and they say and do what is necessary to MAINTAIN the SECRET of sexual abuse. He has often made statements that the MOTHER KNOWS and APPROVES the sexual behaviors. He also may have shared intimate relational information with the child, information which prejudices the child against the MOTHER.
Very often the abusers THREATEN the child, and the MOTHERS response to the abuse is part of the THREAT, thus the child’s inability to disclose, is because SHE IS PROTECTING her mother, iis tied to her on going relationship with her mother.
Following disclosure, the child continues to be ANGRY at the MOTHER. Professionals and agencies may also assume that the mother knew and colluded. The mother is blaming herself, believing herself incompetent and a bad mother, because she did not know and did not protect. Thus the child is ANGRY at the mother and the mother is angry at herself. HOOPER (1992) reports that the increased anger victims feel towards mothers may be because:
- Anger at mothers breaks the victims identification with them, reduces the sense of powerlessness, and increases the sense of deserving to be protected, and
- It is usually easier to be angry at a woman than at a man.
If the mother becomes depressed during the POST – DISCLOSURE period, this depression predicts increased symptoms has been shown to be related to her perception of support and effective parenting by the mother. This is an interactive process. Children report less depression when they feel accepted and supported by their mothers. Depressed mothers report more symptoms in their children.
MOTHER AND CHILD:
Sometimes the mother may react and restrict the perpetrator access to the child. HOWEVER, the child may have a BONDED CLOSE RELATIONSHIP with him and desire contact. If the mother reports the abuse and engages Law Enforcement and Child Protective Services in the Post – Disclosure process, actions that are necessary and protective, the child may interpret this as negative. The child victim then believes that the consequences of disclosure that she feared as now happening. MOTHERS MUST BE VERY SUPPORTIVE, VERY CLEAR IN COMMUNICATION, VERY WARM, CONFORTING AND NURTURATING IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME AND REESTABLISH A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR CHILDREN.
TODD and ELLIS (1992) discusses the enormous complexity present in MOTHER – DUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS following the disclosure of incest. Mothers feel AMBIVALENCE towards their DAUGHTERS, ANGER about the abuse, a DESIRE that the allegations not be true, FEAR of loosing their partner, FEAR of loosing their child. Mothers are in a state of grief and sometimes IMMOBLIZED by the INTENSITY of the initial reactions. Victims are attempting to survive using the coping strategies they have at their disposal, often MALADAPTIVE. Mothers have to negotiate this process and set through the NOT-KNOWING and NOT WANTING to know, to they fact of the abuse and the responsibility to make decisions.
If FATHERS are removed from the home, MOTHERS often have difficulty controlling the children. This may worsen an already tenuous relationship between mother and victim. The child may act out and perceive the MOTHER as POWERLESS and unable to ESTABLISH and MAINTAIN STRUCTURE, BOUNDARIES, and SAFETY. Victims attitudes towards MOTHERS are often HOSTILE, BELLIGERENT, CRITICAL and ANGRY at the same time that victims may feel GUILTY and NEEDY. If victims are not receiving counseling, their identity and self – esteem are negatively affected. Long term consequences increase in severity.
In order to be supportive to victims and to reduce negative feelings, it is important that:
1) Mothers be available to listen to the child’s discussion and details of the abuse.
2) Mothers demonstrate love and affection.
3) The Home environment feels safe and emotionally secure.
4) The child’s self-esteem is bolstered by the mother. The victim is supported in achievements and is setting goals.
5) Mothers support the child’s work with professionals and outside support systems.
6) Mothers reassure victims that they are not damaged.
7) Routines, such as meals, chores, special events, are maintained.
8) Consistency is maintained in rules and discipline.
9) Mothers communicate openly and honestly.
HALL and LLOYD (1998) identified issues for MOTHERS and DAUGHTERS:
Acknowledge the abuse
Feeling guilty and incompetent as a parent
Have difficulty in dealing with victims feelings
Discussing feelings with the victim
Her own abuse by her child’s abuser
Believing the mothers must have known about the abuse
Not understanding why the mother did not see the problem
What mother did or could have done to stop the abuse
Does not want to tell her feelings because she is trying to protect her
Does not want to hear about mothers difficulties
Not understanding why mothers did not protect since she knew what he was like
HEALING the MOTHER-VICTIM RELATIONSHIP and RE-ESTABLISHING a sense of trust is critical to the victims recovery, it is important to understand that, as mothers provide security, and trust is re-established attachment increases. The MOTHER-VICTIM ATTACHMENT BOND is one of the most critical predictors of reduced consequences to sexual abuse. It is also important that MOTHERS understand the BETRAYAL BOND that may be established between the abuser and the victim.
CHILD VICTIMS of SEXUAL ABUSE MAY DEMONSTRATE A RANGE OF BEHAVIORAL SYMPTOMS THAT INCLUDE:
INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL BEHAVIORS AND
THEY MAY DEMONSTRATE A RANGE OF EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS. IT IS IMPORTANT THAT MOTHERS RESPOND TO THESE SYMPTOMS IN:
RATHER THAN WITH:
MOTHERS CAN RESPOND BY:
Identifying the child’s feelings and to understand and connect with them
Remaining physically close to the child
Reassuring the child
Being consistent and predictable in meeting the child’s needs
I from the depths of my soul sincerely hope that this liberating information has been very helpful to those who may need this type of healing. It is very difficult to heal when one is unaware of the sickness. By facing life head on we alleviate any misunderstandings and leave nothing to chance.
The next time ill feelings are exchanged between individuals it may be helpful to not take it personal. Remember you have encountered an individual exposing inner pain. They to are children of the most high they are worthy of our healing prayers. It does not mean they have entitlement to trespass against us, but surely not to be judged. It is always helpful to me to assume the conversation at a more appropriate time. Rhythm is so very important through out the cosmos, right place right timing.
Peace and Gentle Blessings
The Daughters of Osun
With all due respect to the mother, please let us consider taking a look at how this impacts her and her life. Allow yourself to remove all judgments and walk in her shoes for a moment. Ask yourselves how would I handle this situation if presented to me. This blog will shed a little insight.
A mother finding out that her child has been sexually abused is likened to an EMOTIONAL EARTHQUAKE , measuring on the rector scale at 10.0, or an EMOTIONAL TSUNAMI, or try an EMOTIONAL HURICAN KATRINA, maybe even the latest that was measured as the largest storm in history, that hit the East Coast.
Mothers, immediately experience ANGER, SHOCK, DENIAL, and DISBELIEF and all phases of lost. It is very difficult to accept and process the disclosure information, and you need support for yourself at this time. If the perpetrator is your SPOUSE or PARTNER, you loose what may have been a support source. Family and friends can be NON – SUPPORTIVE as they also struggle with the disclosure of sexual abuse.
You may have difficult and painful choices to make. If the abuse involves your partner, you have to make. a choice between partner, you have to make a choice between partner and child. If you choose partner, you, you may loose your child temporarily to protective custody, or forever, due to the sense of betrayal he or she will feel. You may experience ambivalence on a daily basis.
Children struggle with blaming the mother because they think she should have known. You also will struggle with self blame. You will have thoughts and feelings about how thoughts and feelings about how this happened, how you did not know and did not protect. You may feel anger at the victim for not telling you. Understanding the process of victimization will help you direct your anger toward the perpetrator. The child’s recovery depends on your support, post – disclosure parenting is difficult. It will help if both you and your child are in counseling, with regularly scheduled joint sessions so that problems can be resolved. It is also important that siblings receive help as they are secondary victims of the abuse.
Mothers experience long term consequences when their children are sexually abused. Secrecy about what you are going through occurs as you find that people do not understand, and they judge, criticize, and are otherwise unhelpful. Your self – esteem is effective.
You may continue to feel the PAIN, and HURT and also FEEL ISOLATED, BETRAYED, and ANXIOUS. Some mothers experience symptoms of POST TRAUMATIC STRESS or PANIC DISORDER. Some mothers get SICK due to the STRESS.
As the POST – DISCLOSURE process moves forward, you may need to work with LAW ENFORCEMENT, SOCIAL SERVICES, and ATTORNEYS. If the perpetrator is a family member, you must make safe decisions for your child. You may also have other children who need you. You have an overwhelming responsibility at a time you feel overwhelmed. Finding support sources is crucial to your mental and physical health.
Also see the Blog on The Victims Feelings Toward Their Mother
MOTHERS OF SEXUALLY ABUSED CHILDREN
Sex offenders are highly skilled in getting their victims to keep the secret of sexual abuse. Some of the things the abuser may say to the child include:
- No one will believe you if you tell
- Your family will be broken up if you tell
- Something bad will happen to me (I’ll have to leave the house. I’ll go to jail)
- You’ll be taken away from the family
- I’ll hurt your mother
- I’ll hurt your pet
- You’re bad. That’s why you did this
- All daddies do this with their children. Its normal.
Most children never tell about their abuse. Some tell years later. The event of sexual abuse is so TRAMATIZING and the child feels so much GUILT and SHAME, he/she may block the experience from his active memories (i.e. dissociate). If the sexual abuse is on going, the child may block large chunks of his/her childhood.
The offender knows that what he or she is doing is against the law and may result in arrest and in jail. He is highly motivated to convince the child that never telling is the only option. The child is afraid. A violent offender will intensify the fear by threatening more destructive consequences to telling.
Children usually will not tell unless the pain and confusion are over whelming. In cases where the symptoms of sexual abuse are clear, and adults intervene, the child may or may not tell. Disclosure depends on the understanding of the child regarding consequences, the level of threat, and the level of fear.
Also see the blog What to Do When Reporting Abuse
WARNING SIGNS OF SEXUAL ABUSE
Warning signs can alert you to possible sexual abuse, or confirm a previous suspicion. Child victims react differently following sexual abuse, and no single indicator is proof that it has occurred.
WARNING SIGNS CAN BE DIVIDED INTO 3 CATEGORIES:
- PHYSICAL WARNING SIGNS – Physical indicators may offer conclusive evidence of sexual abuse.
- BEHAVIOR WARNING SIGNS – Certain behaviors are foreign to the normal developmental pattern of a child and indicate strong probability of sexual abuse.
- EMOTIONAL WARNING SIGNS – Emotional signs are not as conclusive but contribute to confirmation of sexual abuse.
IF YOU NOTICE ONE OR SEVERAL WARNING SIGNS:
- Go to the Emergency Room
- Call your Child’s Physician for an immediate appointment
- Call a Counselor to discuss your observations an concerns
- Call the Hot Line. You can make an anonymous Call and ask questions with out making a formal report
- Call the local Social Services or DHS/Child Welfare Agency in your community
GUIDELINES TO HELP YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO:
- The more severe the warning signs, the more likely that abuse has occurred.
- Non-disclosure – by the child does not prove abuse did not occur. Most children DO NOT TELL.
- If a cluster of warning signs is present, the child is obviously experiencing severe distress and abuse has most likely occurred.
- When the behavior of a child suddenly change without explanation, sexual abuse is a possibility.
- When physical symptoms do not respond to medical treatment, and the child focuses on bodily complaints, Sexual abuse is a possible explanation.
Also see the blog on the Secrecy Stage
Grooming is a process the Sexual Offender uses to gain the trust of the child victim and reduce natural suspicion. The grooming process breaks down the child’s defenses. The offender then manipulates the relationship so that the child will engage in sexual activity and perform specific acts. The relationship is then maintained by secrecy.
THE 6 STAGES OF GROOMING HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED. THESE INCLUDE:
- Targeting the victim
- Gaining the victim’s trust
- Filling a need
- Isolating the child
- Sexualizing the relationship
- Maintaining control
GROOMING gives the child a sense of uniqueness or specialness, separating him or her from other family members or from peers. Whether the abuser is a family member or stranger, the grooming process is meant to establish TRUST and AFFECTION, INCREASING ATTACHMENT and LOYALLTY.
The GROOMING increases the child’s acceptance of touch. The offender will begin with NON SEXUAL TOUCH and progress toward SEXUAL TOUCH. The NON SEXUAL TOUCH will desensitize the child and break down inhibitions, leading to more touching.
When the offender is a family friend or community member, he may also need to GROOM the PARENT to gain access to the child. If the offender is a stranger, the grooming process begins when the offender first targets a child. As part of his grooming process and victim searching he may visit play grounds, malls, or parks and select a child based on availability and ease of access.
Offenders target vulnerable children – those who are isolated, have family problems, problem families, or are unsupervised. They will use bribes, and gifts, including drugs, or alcohol to adolescents. Offenders identify with the child and instigate a relationship in will side with the child and pretend to be the answer to the child’s needy area. They attempt to fill the empty places in the child’s life. SECRECY is part of the GROOMING PROCESS. The offender may introduce candy to the child, with an accompanying secret, not to tell. LATER, the secrets are reinforced with threats.
COMMON GROWING TECHNIQUES INCLUDE:
- Giving bribes, gifts, special privileges
- Excessive compliments
- Being affectionate – hugging, holding hands, rubbing back, kissing in a non-developmentally appropriate way
- Convincing the child that sex is a game and is normal
- convincing the child that parents would want the child to be compliant
- Pretending to wrestle
- Convincing the child that he is learning about sex
- Sharing common interest with the child
- Luring the child to a secluded place
- Threats and intimidation to victim, pet, family member, or friend
COMMENTS OF SEX OFFENDERS:
- One sex offender called parents NAIVE because they don’t pay attention. He talked about abusing children when in the same room with parents.
- A sex offender said that it’s harder to abuse or trick a child who has been educated about sex abuse. They know what to look for.
- Another sex offender said that parents should never be EMBARRASSED to talk about sex abuse with their children. It is the only way to protect them.
See Blog on the Warning Signs of Sexual Abuse